Smiles

A few years ago I told Max the truth about the Tooth Fairy. And just like our Credit Fairy conversation, it took months to finally convince him. Sadly, I feel another long and drawn out debate about his teeth looming.

Despite the name, Anna and I have assured Max that he is not directly related to Elephas maximus. Therefore, he will not slowly lose 6 sets of molars and die of starvation. If he continues to brush and floss regularly, then he'll enjoy apples and bacon for quite a long time.

As of yesterday he still seemed a bit skeptical. Anna finally promised to sell her collection of limited edition Van Briggle pottery if he ever needs dentures. I hope that ends the conversation.

Ignorance Is Bliss

Tucking Max in at night used to be easy. All you needed was a glass of water and a few pages from Where The Wild Things Are. Well, that was before Dr Stella sent him a link to The Bedbug Registry.

Now, bedtime starts with the complete sterilization of all bedding followed by a through review of any dark colored lint clumps in and around the bed. After completing the examination using his custom built species identification iPhone application from the National Science Foundation, Max calls the local Orkin office to verify they still has his GPS coordinates on file.

Another Episode of "Creepy Sundays"

"Um, that's just weakness leaving your body - yeah" - Max

Hold My Calls

Max is in a meeting right now. May I take a message?

Nuclear War

When Anna was working with the RAND Corporation on packet switching protocols, she thought of the worse thing that could happen: a nuclear war. She then developed technologies assuming a nuclear strike might take out a large section of the network.

Little did Anna know that Micheal Jackson was actually a more powerful and crippling force in the world.

One movie to rule them all

Anna comes from the Eric Dezenhall school of damage control. She understands every aspect of technology from micro blog sites to viral videos. And she knows from experience that most people have no idea how to leverage technology during a crisis.

That's probably why in terms of crisis management she is giving a respectful nod to the Iranian Assembly of Experts for their interesting use of television. Instead of shutting it off or broadcasting the usual propaganda, they are hoping to socially engineer people to not protest with seemingly benign movie marathons.

It might not work and comes with some questionable symbolism but creative none the less.

Trucks & Planes

As a three time winner of the National Truck Driving Championships, Max attends quite a few trucking seminars across the country. A few months ago he meet Carlos Tomada, Minister of Labor, Employment and Social Security in Argentina. After a few mojitos Max was invited down to Buenos Aires -- Carlos needed a keynote speaker for an upcoming labor conference.

The conference was great but the passenger in seat 9A made the flight home miserable. Twice Max had to ask him to calm down. Finally recognizing it was Governor Sanford, Max sent a few messages to his friend at The State newspaper:

• Max: "wht up w/ ur gov... he alwys this nervous fly'n over water? lol"
• Smith: "where r u? hiking?"
• Max: "coming hm from argentina. land in 40 @ atl. y?"
• Smith: "u joking?"
• Max: "no joke. some'n wrong?"
• Smith: "will explain later. gotta go. ttyl"
  

You Only Have a Helipad?

Max is a huge fan of Coleman Barks, the renowned interpreter of Rumi poetry. So Max insisted I immediately tell him when FedEx delivered his latest Amazon order.

Luckily for me, the FedEx girl was late this morning. She finally dropped off the book around 11:30 during during Max's telepresence meeting with the new design intern.

As I placed the book on that conference room table, I could not help but noticed Max's remodelling plans. I am not exactly sure, but I think Max is going to upgrade his roof top helipad with a Funchal Airport inspired roof top runway. I wonder if the city knows about this?

Stuck Inside

I agree Anna. No one likes to be stuck inside on yet another customer support call.

Another Episode of "Creepy Sundays"

"Um, I promise I have an honorable explanation for this - yeah." - Max

Advanced Mobility

For a variety of reasons people like Max occasionally need to covertly parachute somewhere. When he was younger he enjoyed the post jump hike to the designated rendezvous site. However, these days he is far to busy to be lugging gear around the dessert at 3 AM. And with fuel prices, sometimes he cannot bring his old yet trusty M8 along for the ride.

Well, after his last "business trip" he finally called some of friends over at DARPA. They suggested trying the Montague Advanced Mobility bike. Not only will it save time and money, but it might work off some of that travel related eating as well.

Differences

I am constantly surprised by just how similar Max and Anna are to each other. For example, I wandered into the library last weekend and noticed they were both sitting on bean bags working on portals. Both had their music players on and both had their lightly sweetened Yogic Chai.

Of course, Anna was working on quantum entanglement based portals while listening to Enigma on her iPod and Max was playing Portal while listening to The Prodigy on his Zune.

Well... close enough.

419

Greetings of the day to you, Max.

Although you may be skeptical receiving this email as we have not met before, I am Mr. Song Lile I work with Hang Seng Bank Ltd., nevertheless I have a business proposition involving the sum of $19,500,000.00usd in my bank which I know we will be of mutual benefit to both of us, and I believe we can handle together, once we have a common understanding and mutual cooperation in the execution of the modalities.

Should you be interested, please forward the following to me:

1.Full names,
2.Occupation,
3.Private phone number,
4.Current residential address.

Your earliest response to this mail will be highly appreciated

Song Lile.

Max so wanted to scam bait them.

Statistics

Max loves statistics. He loves quoting them during arguments or with morning coffee. For example, did you know:

• Of the 100 largest "economies" in the world, 53 are corporations.
• The average life expectancy of an enemy soldier in a Chuck Norris film is 4 seconds.
• The city of Halifax, Nova Scotia has more bars per capita then any other city in North America.

You can imagine how delighted he was to find the Jenny McCarthy Body Count site especially after the recent scandal with MMR vaccines and autism.

Do the voices in my head bother you?

Max had the strangest dream a while back. Everywhere he went this 1930s radio followed him. It followed him to work, to school, to the stockyards, and back. It was an inescapable presence in his dream.

It turned out that Anna had placed her far too loud iPod shuffle next to Max -- endlessly looping an old V.A.S.T. album.

Luckily for us Max was inspired before any learned helplessness could block his already fuzzy logic. In a desperate attempt to redirect the radio noise in his dream, he stumbled across an idea for a wireless battery recharger which he just sold to Nokia for an undisclosed amount.

Stormy Weather

Anna wanted us to video tape her new soccer moves so we all headed over to South High Sunday afternoon. Max, of course, forgot to bring enough batteries for his camera. No worries, Mother Nature stopped Anna's practice early. Luckily Max at least brought his cell phone with him.

Another Episode of "Creepy Sundays"

"Um, that's why I wear Milgram's lab coat to work - yeah." - Max

Gold Finger

Anna was a little suspicious when she saw Max's gold plated Aston Martin. Just a few weeks ago before his contract at the Royal Canadian Mint started he was asking about payday loans and pawn shops. Now he shows up in a DB7!

Granted, Max does not have the helicopter roadside service that Anna has for her Vanquish S but still -- something is not right here. The mint's missing gold is also a touch too coincidental.

Lifestyle

After that article in the New York Post, Anna started eating only boiled chicken with whole-wheat pasta. She is also demanding we move to Bonaire. Max is up for a move now that he finished packing for Libra.

Fire Trucks

I promptly called my insurance agent after reading the mail this morning. A $250 increase in my premiums! If anything my rates should have gone done after Anna expunged those two speeding tickets.

As I sat there threating to switch to Geico and save %15, Max tapped me on the shoulder. Well, I guess his fire truck incident does explain the rate increase.

Lunch

Max heard that Mars might collide with the Earth and immediately started packing. Anna thinks he's acting silly and refuses to help. It will be at least a billion years before there is even a remote possibility of a collision.

Max thinks she is vastly underestimating how long will take to pack enough bacon, beef jerky, and mouth wash for the road trip to Libra.

1,000,000 Words

Anna was playing with Twitter today when she stumbled across the Global Language Monitor. According to them, almost 15 neologisms are created each day. At that rate, English should hit 1,000,000 words on June 10th, 2009.

Anna had no idea the English language was growing so fast.

Max, of course, had no idea what a neologism was.

1984

I love picking up odds and ends around the house. Sadly, I cannot do anything quite as amazing as Andy Goldsworthy with my random findings but I can glimpse the future.

For example, I recently found a crumpled piece of paper entitled "I CANN" stuffed behind one the the couches. At first I thought it was just some motivational notes written by Max. Then a few of the headings caught my eye:

• AllHail.Max
• OurBigBrother.Max
• MoreBaconFor.Max
  
• OceaniaLoves.Max

Of course, I'm hoping Max is just brainstorming new websites now that ICANN is opening up Internet domain names.

Another Episode of "Creepy Sundays"

"Um, I don't mind if you ask me about Thorazine - yeah" - Max

25 Years

As I entered the house after my epic 4 mile walk this afternoon Max greeted me with a rather large smile. He even offered me some of his pot roast as he went whistling into the parlor.

Right as I was reaching for my phone praying E911 really works, Anna walked in with a cake from Schmidt's Bakery & Deli. It took me a second to connect "Congratulations On Passing Level One" to the vaguely familiar cake decorations.

Ahhh, after 25 years Max finally made it to level 2.

Fahrenheit 451

I guess Max will switch to burning them again.

AF is Short of Water

Max loves the deafening sound of George's Devastator torpedo bomber not to mention the Mark VIII torpedos it carries. Though, while Max runs around the living room making propeller noises, Anna quietly reminds him that without advanced mathematics and some creative thinking, all that raw horse power would be wasted.

She, of course, is talking about the rather clever trick Jasper Holmes and Joseph Rochefort used to learn about the impending attack on Midway back in 1942.

Even so, somehow I think Max will leave all of the elliptical curve encryption and differential fault analysis to Anna in favor of a 900 horse power Pratt & Whitney R-1830 engine.

That Is Sooooo Yesterday

I'm sure Anna and Max are really busy creating fresh new ideas for Nokia.

Guano

Max thinks it was her Native American tracking skills while Anna claims it was her experience with the 13th Armored Division. To be honest, I am not sure I want to know what motivated her new technique for tracking penguins.

Frickin' Laser Beams

But will Max use it for good or evil?